11 Things I’ve Learned from My Online Dating Stint

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Let me preface this by saying, WTF. I tell people all the time that coming out of a relationship + a solid run at marriage for six years, feels a lot like what’d I’d imagine it’d feel like being released from prison, and having to be reacclimatized with the world in its current form. You meet people how?! Ghosting, say what?! This shit is weird. Not gonna lie. But what kinda single, independent, bad ass bitch would I be to not give it my best effort? A smart one, some would argue. Spoiler alert — I don’t disagree. Anyhoo, without further delay, here are the 11 observations I’ve picked up on in this world of swiping.

  1. So many dudes are sooooo proud of being “never married, no kids” as if that affords them some sort of trophy for being allergic to commitment and banking on their pullout game. If I had a dollar for every profile that touted “no kids, never married”,  I could afford to pay my rent 5 months ahead. 

  2. The accidental swipe right makes you feel like a terrible, very shallow human. 

  3. If he’s 38+, he will likely feel more comfortable FaceTime-ing you (unscheduled) at 10:30pm on a school night vs. using his fingers. Listen, man. I’m just not ready for that type of commitment. This is moving way too fast. 

  4. If you’re really lucky, you might actually find one you like. He’ll invite you out, you’ll laugh together about the very real concept of ghosting, and then he’ll turnaround and ghost you. Don’t worry though, he’ll never not see one of your Instagram stories. Hey, D. ;)

  5. Witty conversations are my love language. And witty men are terribly underrated. 

  6. You might meet one who will initiate a very deep ass conversation or a cute question game to make you spill all your best (and worst) inner qualities – and out of no where you find yourself imagining life as the stepmother of his 3 (grown ass) children and how you’ll eventually blend your families and then he’ll hit you with the okie doke and completely dis-a-fucking-pear as if y’all didn’t have a whole romantic ass relationship in the messages of the dating app. How rude. 

  7. The blast from the past is always more fun when you start the conversation outside of the dating app. Otherwise it’s just awkward. AF. 

  8. Men are generally lame. I could write a whole blog post about lame ass bios I’ve come across. Don’t worry, I screenshotted. 

  9. Don’t drink and swipe. The next day you will SWEAR that someone hacked your account and spend entirely too much time un-matching with people you SWEAR you’ve never even seen. 

  10. There’s a big market for polyamorous dating. Someone should create an app for that. And get these damn people off the regular shit. 

  11. My turn offs include being asked questions about my turn ons and turn offs and my “type” without affording me the opportunity to decide where you as a fucking individual fall on the spectrum —because you’ve already turned me off.

The list has grown since this was written, believe me. But I’ve deleted the apps for the foreseeable future to truly focus on what’s in front of me. I have enough on my plate, and I don’t like my food to touch. May or may not be back for seconds. Stay tuned.

xo,

Aquia